


Agony

by bdol



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 03:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12572652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bdol/pseuds/bdol
Summary: Not all of Alec's scars are from being a Shadowhunter.





	Agony

**Author's Note:**

> this came to me a while ago, and I finally finished it
> 
> I've been missing the show T.T april is so far away
> 
> not beta'd or anything ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

No one was ever supposed to know.

 

That's why Alec had drawn the runes on his ankles. Between the dry skin there and never going barefoot at home, he made sure that no one would ever be in a position to notice them. The tiny white scars that decorated the insides of his ankles and the few that trailed along the arches of his feet. They were his and his alone.

 

Even when they were intimate, Magnus never noticed them. Why would he when there was so much more above Alec's legs to focus on? And at times like those, Alec all but forgot the scars anyway. He seemed to always get lost in Magnus when they were together; old scars and past traumas forgotten. Magnus was the only thing that existed in Alec's world in those moments where the two of them were entwined in each other's embrace.

 

One evening, however, Magnus noticed them. The two of them were in the bath, each at one end of the tub, legs bracketing one another. Alec, being the long-legged beast that he is, needed to stretch, so he extended his leg out of the tub and let his foot hang over the edge.

 

Magnus, who had previously relaxing with his head tilted back, opened one lazy eye and looked towards the source of moment. When he caught sight of Alec’s ankle, his breath hitched.

 

“Alexander,” Magnus said gently, fingers reaching out to trace the scars on Alec’s ankle. “What are these?”

 

Alec froze. He started to slide his leg back in the tub, only to have it caught by Magnus. “I’m...um...they’re...well.... It’s not important, really.”

 

Magnus sighed lightly, “It’s okay, Alexander. I’m not mad at you or anything—I just want to know why you have several tiny agony runes carved into the skin around your ankles. I’ve felt that rune, and I know how awful it is. Why do you have them?”

 

Alec tilted his head back to stare at the tiled ceiling and sighed. “I grew up thinking that Shadowhunters weren’t supposed to be gay, Magnus. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was wrong, and I felt like I needed to be punished. I needed to be punished for looking at Jace a second longer that I was supposed to, for thinking about kissing him, for wanting another man.

 

“Add my parents going on and on about what the girl I’d one day marry would be like, and I felt wrong. I felt like crawling out of my skin. I felt like I shouldn’t be there. I wanted to be dead, but I couldn’t leave Jace and Izzy. So I drew the runes, hoping the pain would help ground me.”

 

“Oh Alexander,” Magnus breathed. “I knew it was bad for you, but I didn’t know it was that bad. I’m so sorry, love.”

 

Alec shrugged. “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. Besides, it’s in the past. Most of those are from when I was a teenager.”

 

Magnus shook his head, “Still, you never should have had to go through that.”

 

Alec hummed, “No one should. That’s something I’m hoping to change as Head of the Institute. Gay Shadowhunter kids exist, and I want them to grow up in an environment where they know that it’s okay for them to be themselves.”

 

“You’d be a great father, someday,” Magnus murmured, a small smile on his face.

 

“What was that?”

 

“Oh, nothing,” Magnus chuckled, “Now let’s get out of the bath before we turn into prunes. Will you pull up the next episode of The Wire while I blow dry my hair?”

 

Alec tapped Magnus’ shoulder with his foot, “Of course.”

 

Alec got out of the tub, wrapped himself in a towel, and extended a hand to Magnus. Magnus took his hand, climbed out of the tub, and grabbed his own towel off the rack. “I love you,” he said softly.

 

Alec pressed a soft kiss to Magnus’ lips. “I love you too. Don’t forget to unplug your hairdryer after you’re done.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm addicting to angst whoops
> 
> you can find me on tumblr at [ sleepylightwood ](https://sleepylightwood.tumblr.com)


End file.
